Put the chips on the ground and back away slowly, seagulls have confirmed today.
The chips, which you had intended to eat yourself, looks very tasty and it would be a shame if something were to happen to you – if you get the drift.
The gulls, who hang around the seaside cawing at people like they own the place, don’t want things to get nasty so just be smart and there won’t be any trouble. Or not much, anyway.
And that had better not be some fancy artisan triple-fried shit you’re carrying. Just soggy white chip shop stuff.
“The good stuff,” they added.
“You’ve heard that story about how a swan can break a man’s arm with its wing?” asked a spokesgull who threatened to divebomb us at us if we so much as looked at him funny, never mind named him.
“Well with us seagulls it’s your kneecaps. Both of them. So don’t try anything funny with that walking stick, boy.
“That’s right. Just throw the chips over there and keep walking, sucker.”
The gulls will continue to operate the beach chip racket until Big Dazza the swan arrives, as he will mess shit up good and proper if he doesn’t get his share.