Tuesday 23 July 2019 by Tiff Clark

Hottest-ever July day arriving as Boris becomes Prime Minister ‘confirmation’ that we’re all in Hell


Are we in Hell?

Downing Street has been forced to comment on speculation that the heatwave beginning today is not a sign of global warming, but actually the gates of Hell themselves opening to welcome their favourite son as Boris Johnson becomes prime minister.

“The hottest July day on record arriving with 24 hours of Boris becoming the nation’s leader is a complete coincidence,” said a Downing Street spokesman.

“We all know it’s hot because of our environmental policies, not because we are now led by Satan’s spawn himself.

“Yes, okay, so the four horsemen were also spotted earlier parading down the Mall but I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for that too.

“The rumour that a faint whiff of sulphur follows Boris around the corridors of Westminster can also easily be explained by one too many egg and cress sandwiches at lunchtime.”

Other odd phenomena allegedly spotted include a seven-headed beast rising from the Thames outside parliament, though Tory strategists were quick to blame this on pollution drifting downstream and affecting the fish.

The new prime minister himself has commented on the accusations, telling reporters, “Wiff-waff, mumble mumble, Europe to blame, blah blah, if I talk nonsense you won’t notice the number 666 that has miraculously appeared under my floppy fringe, hoo hah, la blah dah”

Many commentators admitted it’s the most coherent statement to come from him for quite some time.

Temperatures in the capital are predicted to rise to the mid-30s today, and touch 37 degrees on Thursday, although rain could also be expected as God himself weeps for the UK.

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