Thursday 18 July 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Man castrated and hounded to suicide by government ‘happy’ to be on fifty-pound note


Alan Turing fifty pound note

It is reported that the corpse of Alan Turing, a man who took his own life after being castrated by the government, is ‘happy’ to be chosen to appear on the new fifty-pound note.

“Well, let’s see, I cracked the enemy’s ‘unbreakable’ code during the second world war and pioneered the very computing technology that changed the entire world,” explained Mr Turing’s dead body.

“As a reward, my government castrated me because of who I choose to have sex with.

“So I guess being on a fifty-pound note long after my suicide totally makes up for it.

“Thanks for that.”

Mr Turing’s body then went on to explain what would have been a more fitting tribute.

“Well, frankly, I’d have taken a handshake and a ‘thanks Alan’ but if that was too much then perhaps not injecting me with Diethylstilbestrol, depriving me of one of the basic human pleasures, and ultimately leading me to believe that my life wasn’t living – that would have been nice.”

Sadly, there is no way to present Mr Turing with the tribute he would really like, so he has another idea.

“Well, if you really wanted to grant a nice tribute to me, then how about, in my name, telling all those bigots who don’t want gay people in their B&B, or don’t want to make gay people cakes, or who don’t want schools to teach that homosexuality is fine, how about telling all those people to shut up.

“And doing it in my name. That would be nice.”

Although Mr Turing’s corpse didn’t say all those things because corpses can’t speak, one can’t help thinking its the sort of thing it would have said if it could.

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