A man who claims to be a horror film aficionado secretly hates the bloody things and just reads the plots on Wikipedia.
Simon Williams loves horror films. He watches so many that he’s immune to jump scares, laughs at the most terrifying special effects and can happily chow down on a chicken tikka masala while viewing the most extreme gore.
Simon is currently raving about folk-horror Midsommar.
“Yeah, it’s pretty good although I’d be lying if I said it was frightening,” he said.
“My favourite bit was probably when that guy had his face skinned and someone else used it as a mask.”
However, Simon’s wife Karen has a different story.
“The truth is that Simon hasn’t seen Midsommar,” she told us. “He hasn’t even seen The Exorcist or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
“When it comes to horror films Simon is actually a big old scaredy-cat.
“If Simon was honest he’d tell you that the jump scares in Toy Story 4 were a bit much and that those creepy dolls disturbed his sleep for days.
“All Simon’s mates love horror so he pretends to like it by reading plot synopses online and listening to film podcasts.
“He needs to be careful – his friends are beginning to notice that he always finds an excuse not to go to the cinema with them.”
“Actually,” said Simon, “I prefer going to the cinema alone so I’m not distracted by talking and stuff. I’m a horror purist you see.
“And of course I’ve seen The Exorcist! That part where her head spins around and she projectile vomits? Bloody brilliant!”