Boris Johnson has finally shed his global image, of a gaffe-prone dilettante whose utter contempt for the rest of humanity meant he didn’t care that people saw him a buffoon, by brandishing a smoked fish above his head during a speech.
In Berlin, Sigmund Wilhelms, the deputy Foreign Minister, admitted that the astonishing display was a game-changer with how the EU would treat the UK.
He told reporters, “I will admit I always saw him as a political Kardashian. All fame and no substance. I was also convinced that his stuttering posh boy routine was a put-upon act to mask a substandard intellect and I based that on nothing more than all other members of his family who speak normally.
“But when I saw him wave that plastic-coated fish, I realised he was a man of true depth and gravitas.
“He will be a redoubtable opponent when he comes to Brussels for talks about Brexit. The bureaucrats there know not to try and outwit a man who waves a fish around.”
Asked if he was being serious, Mr Wilhelms lost his patience.
“Of course not. He’s a barely sentient joke-without-a-punchline that decided to make a point about the necessity of leaving the EU by talking about a fish producer in the Isle of Man. Which is not in the EU.
“Theresa May got some concessions because she reminded everyone of that spinster music teacher they had at school. But if that constipated alpaca is in charge, you’ll be lucky if we don’t collapse your economy until you start to envy Venezuela.
“Hardship? If you put him in charge, no one will have any sympathy for you. Enjoy your sodding kippers because that’s about the only thing you’ll have left.
“And who the fuck eats greasy smoked herrings for breakfast anyway?”