Members of the public across Scotland have pleaded with the United States not to send Donald Trump their way, after the President implied some Americans could be sent back to the nation of their parents.
“He’s already come over and ‘sorted out’ the sea birds at his stupid golf course. Is that not enough?” pleaded crofter Simon McWilliams.
“Could he not go back further in his family history – like the Devonian period? Protozoan pond life, which cannot speak for themselves, have been observed swimming in happy circles to show they don’t need ‘help’ from anyone.”
Others have insisted his Scottish roots are limited, at best.
“He’s only Scottish on his mum’s side!” wailed Catriona McGreyfriarsbobby in a desperate act of gender betrayal, “Does that even count?”, though others were quick to dismiss this as a No True Scotsman argument.
Other frantic Gaels have pointed to the disparity in character; “He’s always on about winnin’ an’ not likin’ losers and that” spat Alistair McSplendouroftheheatherinbloom.
“If Scotland get into the World Cup again, he’ll never cope!”
But not all voices are negative. “He’d pass for Glaswegian no bother, with the orange tan an’ all,” said Callum McKnifecrime, “could we no swap him for Jimmie Krankie? I mean, wee Jimmy thinks he’s all naughty and so on, but Trump’s a pure nutter and I like that.”
State Department officials have poured water on the deal, describing Krankie as ‘childish and weird-looking enough, but too soft on Iran’.
Slovenia says the US can send Melania back any time they like.