Search begins for new UK Ambassador who is happy to pretend Donald Trump isn’t a moron

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Sir Kim Darroch has resigned as the UK Ambassador to the United States, sparking an urgent hunt for someone to take the job who is incapable of spotting that Donald Trump is a moron, or happy to just lie about it.

A government spokesperson said the hunt for a replacement is already underway, telling us, “We want the UK Ambassador to the United States to be honest – but not to the point of embarrassing the nation, so it would be great if we could find someone we could put in front of Donald Trump and not instantly recognise he’s a simpleton.

“That’s not as easy as it sounds, Sir Kim has assured us that prolonged exposure to Trump and his regime will leave anyone even remotely competent with little doubt they are an operation guided by morons.

“International diplomacy is a very specialist field, so now we need someone who might think Trump is competent, whilst also being competent enough do the job. It’s a proper catch-22, anyone who thinks the former is most certainly incapable of the latter.

“Or maybe we just don’t worry about them doing the job of ambassador, and just make sure they hang around saying nice things to Donald Trump and the rest of his vainglorious shit-flinging gibbons.

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“So we probably need someone who can spot an idiot when they see one, but who is also happy to pretend the idiot is a very stable genius purely out of self-interest.

“Which obviously means it will be someone currently out there shilling for Boris Johnson’s leadership campaign team.”