The Desert Island featured in Desert Island Discs has declared independence from the UK saying it wants no part in the current resurgence of British colonialism.
The Island, known to friends as Simon Williams, said, “After host Kirsty Young decided to return to the mainland, I’ve shut the air and sea routes coming in, as she’s bound to be replaced by some isolationist nutcase who has ideas on a return to the sort of British colonialism that really worked out well for everyone named Nigel.
“So, rather than deal with that sort of pompous halfwit, I’ve decided to declare independence.
“As part of the ceremony, I’ll be burning this MASSIVE pile of CDs, books and luxury items that tourists have left, including all 2750 copies of JD Salinger’s ‘Catcher In The Rye’, which no-one seems to have realised, is a total pile of shash.
“July 8th will be our independence day!
“Oh bollocks, now I sound like one of them…”