Thursday 4 July 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Jeremy Hunt to grant three wishes to all


Jeremy Hunt to grant voters three wishes

Leadership hopeful Jeremy Hunt has pledged that, should he become Prime Minister, he will grant three wishes to everyone of voting age.

The pledge is the latest in an increasingly unlikely, unaffordable and impractical series of promises made by the two leadership candidates that include Hunt’s pledges to repeal the fox hunting ban and increase NHS funding and Johnson’s promise not to soil himself.

“We will grant three wishes to all, delivered in the form of a genie in a lamp that will be sent to everyone before the year is out,” explained Hunt, who appeared under the illusion that anyone still believed anything he said.

“As a Conservative, I believe that hard-working families are best suited to choosing their own magic wishes rather than having the Government decide which wishes are best for them. It’s that personal freedom that I can give you as Prime Minister.”

The only restriction on the wishes is that they cannot be used to remove Jeremy Hunt from power or make the Queen do anything silly.

Hunt went on, “Only under a Jeremy Hunt premiership, will you be able to have three wishes to improve your life however you see fit, from wishing to bring back Crossroads to wishing for your own personal dwarf-sex dungeon.

“Oh, sorry, that was my plans for Downing Street alterations.”

It is expected that Boris Johnson will respond to Hunt’s three wishes pledge with a promise to issue a magic fairy to every household in the country.

I’m voting for the side with the fewest arseholes – get the t-shirt!

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