Wednesday 3 July 2019 by Lucas Wilde

“Don’t worry, girls, I never lost MY semi” assures Boris Johnson


Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has attempted to console the England women’s football team.

The lionesses were knocked out of the world cup in a dramatic match which saw a goal disallowed and a penalty saved.

However, one thing which was not knocked out was the ever-surging libido of the man who would be Prime Minister.

“RUFF-RAHH!” exclaimed the blonde bastard.

“By Jove, what a treat. Eleven English beauties, tearing up and down the pitch, their chesticles bouncing up and down in slow motion. My pause and rewind buttons on my remote are thoroughly worn out, as is my wrist.

“Such a shame they got knocked about before the final of the…er…what was it? The football? Oh right. Yes. Shame. Still, those tarts from the USA are worth a tissue or two, so win-win!”

A spokesperson for the England women’s football team said, “Right, what the FUCK would you like me to say to that?”

“Actually, I think I can explain the thoughts of the team better in visual terms. Pass me that bucket.”

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