In our exclusive feature, the BBC’s John Inverdale runs the rule over this year’s Ladies Wimbledon contenders.
Ashleigh Barty – 5/1 fav
Currently ranked No.1 in the world if that’s your kind of thing. Might not be much of a looker but this hard-hitting, gargantuan-thighed Aussie possesses the sheer power to beat any given man let alone a woman. Tends to take control both out on court and in the bedroom. Best off watching from the back seats of the court, or just not at all.
Prediction: Finalist – disqualified after murdering spectator with wayward smash.
Simona Halep – 17/1
Hasn’t been anywhere as gripping to watch since the breast reduction. Despite this, the petite Romanian has plenty of other assets to offer, a nice arse, erotic screaming and full of energy and endurance. There is no doubt she performs just as well in the bedroom as out on court.
Prediction: Second round defeat but frequent outfit changes leave spectators satisfied.
Angelique Kerber – 9/1
The full package, despite being German. An outstanding natural talent with a face to curdle the cream on your strawberries and a body to match. An optimal viewing position at the back of the court is key here.
Johanna Konta – 21/1
Not actually sure where she’s from. Born in Australia to Hungarian parents before switching her allegiances from Australia to Great Britain in 2012. Hungarian? Australian? British? Wherever it is, she can become fully British once and for all with a win here.
Prediction: Quarter-final exit – not enough to earn UK citizenship.
Naomi Osaka – 13/1
At just 21-years of age, Osaka is a player that has captured the attention of tennis fans and pundits worldwide but not me. Undoubtedly possesses wonderful tennis ability, but simply lacks the features that I look for in a female tennis player. Aim to go for your fish and chips as soon as she arrives onto court.
Prediction: Semi-final exit after suffering from heat stroke.
Karolína Plíšková – 10/1
Just one of the many eastern Europeans that I have a close eye on. What she lacks in the buttock department, she more than makes up for it with her long-toned legs. Perhaps a tad too tall for my liking at 6ft 1, but an ideal candidate if needing someone to grab a packet of Jaffa Cakes from the top shelf at Waitrose.
Prediction: Round of 16 – Loses match on the flip of a coin after scoreboard ceases to function.
Maria Sharapova – 50/1
Has let herself go somewhat since the failed drug test. Considerably past her sell-by date at the ripe age of 32 but has the potential on her day to be one of the main contenders if provocatively dressed and heavily dolled up with make-up.
Prediction: Round two – retires after being offered Chanel modelling contract.
Serena Williams – 8/1
A seven-time winner and apparently, one of the best female tennis players of all-time. Still carrying a few extra pounds after her pregnancy in 2017 and a tad too masculine for my tastes. Serena’s features soften considerably when the retractable roof comes over.
Prediction: Semi-Finalist – disqualified after assaulting umpire.