Tuesday 2 July 2019 by Chris Ballard

Boris Johnson to scrap Department of Health


Boris Johnson, Department of Health

Government departments deemed silly and pointless like the Department of Health will be abolished under a Boris Johnson administration.

Conservative Party insiders have revealed that if he becomes PM Boris Johnson will streamline the government by removing those departments he calls ‘wiffle waffle.’

“Boris firmly believes the government spends too much time and money on unimportant things like the health and welfare of the public,” said a Tory spokesman.

“The Department of Health and Department for Work and Pensions will be the first to go – the free market is perfectly capable of deciding who lives and who dies.

“DWP Minister Amber Rudd is likely to be offered the newly created role of ‘Groom of the Stool’ in Boris’ Downing Street flat.

“Johnson will also get rid of the Foreign Office on the basis that ‘the less we have to do with all those funny looking types the better.’

“Boris quite reasonably points out that ‘all the schools worth keeping are private’ so it’s goodbye Department for Education.

“He will then use the resources freed up from these closures to beef up the Brexit Department – from July until October it will be the biggest government department Whitehall has ever seen. All that precious NHS cash can finally be pumped into taking back control.

“The Home Office will also be expanded so immigration can be sorted out once and for all – Boris is a true visionary and has been muttering something about building a wall so watch this space.

“And obviously the MoD will be expanded – you can never have too many nuclear missiles or unnecessary military interventions in ‘strategically important shitholes’ as Boris puts it.”

In time, it is believed that the Cabinet will be renamed the ‘Boris’ and meetings will take place between the thighs of someone else’s wife.

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