Friday 28 June 2019 by Chris Ballard

Glastonbury attendees embarrassed to discover it’s actually all on telly


Glastonbury on television

People who’ve spent a lot of money going to the refugee camp with tunes that is Glastonbury are now feeling very silly after finding out they could have just watched it all on TV.

A full weekend ticket for Glastonbury 2019 cost around £250. That’s before travel, booze and wages lost due to the onset of scurvy.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

“What the fuck do you mean it’s all on telly?” asked an incredulous Simon Williams through a mouthful of Imodium.

“Are you seriously telling me I could be sitting in my armchair, a lovely cold beer from the fridge in my hand, effortlessly flicking between stages without having to walk FUCKING MILES in the glare of the afternoon sun only to miss half the act?

“Instead of spending Liam Gallagher‘s set trying to find a place to stand where my view isn’t blocked by some pisshead titting about on someone’s shoulders I could just have caught up with it Sunday evening after the Antiques Roadshow?

“Why weren’t we told about this? I’ve been completely misled – this is far worse than all that Brexit bus stuff.”

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson is feeling very smug as he watches the festival on his girlfriend’s fifty-inch television.

“Ah, this is the life,” he said as he slouched on the sofa pissing into a mug. “And it’s also great practice for running the country.

“Take that you proles!” he shouted, hurling the mug at the on-screen crowd. The mug smashed and urine splattered the screen, the walls, the expensive artwork.

His girlfriend Carrie walked in, drawn by the noise.

“For fuck’s sake Boris, have you done it again?

“That’s it, get the fuck out of my flat!”

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