Glastonbury organisers have called off the festival on the first day due to a worrying forecast of pleasant weather, describing the current sunshine as ‘not in keeping with the classic Glastonbury experience’.
Disappointed revellers are currently filing into the site and getting our of their cars, noting with sadness that they are likely to leave the venue not caked in mud and having left their tent and possessions somewhere in a field loosely resembling a first world war winter battlefield.
Glastonbury site manager Simon Williams told the press, “The cancellation shouldn’t surprise anyone. Look at the clear blue skies and searing sunshine. There’s even a predicted heatwave. Hardly Glastonbury weather, is it?
“We want people to enjoy themselves, and we all know that can’t be done without standing knee-deep in an unpleasant and concerning mix of mud and piss.
“Can you imagine what it would be like to walk around the site on dry ground, and to try and enjoy listening to the bands in relative comfort with dry feet? That would be terribly underwhelming.”
He went on, “There is a possibility of some showers towards the end of the festival, true, but without being able to guarantee the usual deluge and subsequent flooding of the camping area then I fear the punters will be disappointed.”
Festival-goer Eleanor Gay shrugged, saying, “That makes sense, I suppose. The music might be amazing, but if I can’t circulate a video of me wearing a poncho and diving head-first into three-foot-deep mud to the sound of drunken cheers, then my friends won’t believe I’ve had a good time.
“And that’s what really matters, isn’t it?”