Wednesday 26 June 2019

Boris painstakingly paints people into his wooden toy buses before sending them off a cliff


Boris Paintbrush

Boris Johnson has admitted his favourite hobby is painting people inside a homemade bus, giving them names, characters and backstories, before then throwing them all off a cliff.

Talking to TalkRadio about his favourite hobby, Johnson explained that he enjoys spending his rare moments of downtime painting elaborate figurines that are ultimately destined for disaster at his hand.

Johnson told Ross Kempsall, “I like to get to know them, who they are, what they love, their dreams and aspirations – then I throw the entire thing off my shed roof pretending it’s a cliff.

“I can’t explain to you the satisfaction I get knowing all those pretend lives have been quashed forever – and I am the one who did it.  That control, that all-consuming power over life and death, it’s exhilarating.

“Sometimes I talk to them, telling them it’s all going to be brilliant and that I’m the best choice to lead them safely to their preferred destination – when in reality I’m leading them to nothing but a thoroughly grizzly end entirely of my own making.”

Psychologists have spent literally minutes coming to the conclusion that Boris is a deeply disturbed man.

Dr Simon Williams told us. “A grown man painting figurines is strange enough – even when bought from Games Workshop – but making your own and then painting them, that’s some Silence of the Lambs level fucked up shit – in my professional opinion, of course.

“As for analysing what he does with them, and whether it can be used to draw any conclusions on how he treats people in other parts of his life – I’m not sure.

“But I certainly wouldn’t want him to be in any position of power.”

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