I would only sexually assault women I find attractive, insists Donald Trump

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Donald Trump has insisted that sexually assaulting someone he doesn’t fancy is something he simply wouldn’t do.

As Trump insisted that his latest accuser, E. Jean Carroll, isn’t the sort of woman he’s usually attracted to – women like his own daughter – he went on to criticise those who suggest he would even consider assaulting less than a 9 out of 10.

President Trump told reporters. “In this day and age, I think it’s disgusting that people can go around making claims like this – as if I would ever sexually assault someone who doesn’t do something for me sexually.

“I think it’s outrageous that this is even a story, that the fake news media gives this airtime without first wondering if I even find her attractive.  Have you seen my track record? Models, I date models. Why would I sexually assault someone who is at best a 5, maybe 6 if she did something with her hair.

“I ask you, what sort of rapey lunatic goes around attacking women they don’t fancy? Not a very stable genius one, that’s for sure.”

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As Carroll becomes the sixteenth woman to accuse Trump of sexual misconduct, the White House is seeking to redefine the phrase “there’s no smoke without fire.”

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders told reporters, “There’s a lot of smoke and zero fire, the fire is fake news. Smoke can just spontaneously exist, like in the television documentary ‘Lost’.

“This continued insistence that there must be some sort of fire to keep creating all these repeated instances of smoke is an affront to democracy, and the White House refutes it entirely.”

Polling figures have shown the latest sexual assault accusations haven’t made even a tiny dent in Trump’s approval rating, because that’s the sort of world we live in now.