Tuesday 25 June 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Boris Johnson releases pictures of him having full sex with partner to confirm all is normal


couple in bed

Tory leadership hopeful Boris Johnson has released a series of pictures of himself and partner Carrie Symonds having full sex in an effort to de-escalate the controversy surrounding a domestic incident at Ms Symonds flat on Friday.

The first picture shows Mr Johnson wearing nothing but a pair of socks and Ms Symonds lying naked in bed. There are then a series of photos of Mr Johnson on top of Ms Symonds, presumably doing things to her. The final photo appears to depict a post-coital Mr Johnson wiping himself on a curtain.

Mr Johnson also confirmed that Ms Symonds definitely wasn’t crying in the final photo despite what it might look like.

“There, see? Totally normal,” chuckled Mr Johnson at a hastily arranged press conference, whilst the various sycophants he had gathered for the occasion loudly agreed.

“We’ve got a perfectly happy relationship, as you can see in these photos that clearly show us both engaged in a completely spontaneous, consensual and unstaged physical act of love.

“I also have here a signed statement from Carrie that she consented to the love-making of her own free will, so that’s all fine and normal.

“I hope these photos prove that Friday’s incident with the police was nothing more than a blip and we can all move on with making me Prime Minister.”

Mr Johnson left the stage as he had to pop to PC World to get his laptop mended after it was damaged in an incident which is not worthy of discussion.

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