Resident of number 11 Downing Street Philip Hammond has admitted to recording his neighbours at number 10 arguing about what to watch on telly.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has been caught trying to sell recordings of his neighbour Theresa May to the press.
The tapes apparently document a series of heated arguments Mrs May had with her husband about which repeats to watch – the cosy nonsense of Midsomer Murders or the moreish junk food of NCIS.
“Theresa is addicted to NCIS,” said Hammond. “During the Brexit negotiations, she would always be secretly watching it on a phone under her desk while just nodding along to whatever the EU team said.
“Her husband is more of a Midsomer man and has seen each episode about twenty times. As both shows are always being repeated this leads to frequent arguments at number 10 about what to watch.
“Theresa presents the exact same argument every night, even though Mr May always rejects it, usually by saying something like ‘But Theresa, this is the one where the landlady gets killed by being put in the tumble dryer’.
“The PM’s basic contention is that NCIS is ‘like, really clever and stuff because it shows glimpses of the future and then you can enjoy the characters’ journey getting to that point’.
“If Theresa’s premiership was an episode of NCIS then just after her inaugural speech as PM there’d be a fleeting black and white shot of her crying at the very same spot on Downing Street.
“Yes, I suppose that is quite a powerful narrative conceit, isn’t it?”