Monday 24 June 2019 by Pete Redfern

Boris Johnson hoping Downing Street walls have been soundproofed


Downing Street

Boris Johnson is hoping both to become Tory leader and that all the walls in Number Ten are soundproof, it has emerged today.

Johnson, who looks like what happens if you allow stupidity, privilege, self-delusion, arrogance and jizz to coalesce together in a Petri-dish on a windowsill during a heatwave, is the current favourite to become the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

A source close to him has today confirmed that one of his priorities will be to soundproof Downing Street to ensure prying ears are unable to listen to his more robust domestic discussions.

Sir Simon Williamsby-Toffer, who has known Boris since his Bullingdon Club days, told us, “Boris is a man of great discretion.

“I’m not saying he’s trustworthy – after all, he shagged my wife behind my back a few years ago, but discrete in so much as he doesn’t like people finding out what he’s got up to.

“This whole contretemps about his argument with his current squeeze, whichever one it is this month, has made him nervous about how much people will listen in to him when he’s in Number Ten.

“The last thing he wants when he’s being screamed at by his girlfriend is to have the chancellor in Number Eleven pressing a glass up against the wall.”

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