I can negotiate free access to single market, insists man struggling to negotiate free access to girlfriend’s bed

author avatar by 5 years ago

Boris Johnson has spoken out about his excellent negotiation skills, all from the sofa where he slept last.

Johnson, who is vying to become the leader of the Tory party and the prime minister, is running a leadership campaign based on his ability to get a better deal than that negotiated by Theresa May, and keen to illustrate that ability at ever opportunity.

“I am on this sofa because I negotiated it,” he told reporters wondering if he slept OK.

“Some people will no doubt insist that sleeping on a sofa is a sign of a poor negotiator, but at 11pm last night there was a very real possibility I was sleeping in the garden.  That’s when real negotiators step up to the plate and deliver – when the pressure is really on.

“It’s only my ability as a top class negotiator that prevented rats going through my pockets last night like they do the bins.

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“So instead of waking up with a mouthful of grass, I am here enjoying nothing more than a sore neck and a sofa pattern on my cheek.

Meanwhile, neighbours have reported that Johnson’s negotiating tactics appear to be repeatedly saying “please” with greater and greater urgency.

They concluded, “I’ve not read any books on negotiating myself, but I assume most of them have a chapter on crying to get what you want? Because you can take my word for it that Boris totally nailed that one.

“I’ve no idea if Boris spending a day crying like that in Brussels could get us a better deal, but I think we’d all like to see him try.”