Saturday 22 June 2019 by Arabin Patson

Police sent to Boris Johnson’s home after his girlfriend threatened to walk behind him during dinner


police sent to Boris' home

Following reports from neighbours of a woman aggressively telling Boris Johnson to get off her, the Metropolitan Police was forced to send a patrol round his house in case the poor man was being forced to react instinctively to a woman giving her opinion.

Although the Back Boris campaign has yet to comment, several right-wing commentators seized on the occasion to highlight the constant threat of opinionated women towards large men who all played rugby at their expensive private school.

As explained Daily Telegraph columnist Simon Williams: “We live in dangerous times where it’s open season on male tories. They can’t go anywhere without diminutive vegan women walking behind them with potentially deadly leaflets. I don’t know what happened at that flat but if anything comes out, just ask yourself this. What if she was carrying a knife or acid?”

The Metropolitan Police were reluctant to give details about the intervention but issued a press release denying any attempt to cover up a possible crime.

They went one, “The Metropolitan Police has no political agenda and we stand by our proud record of integrity that is untarnished except for recurring corruption scandals since the fifties.

“We would never attempt to cover up a misdeed by a man who will soon be able to make us spend our career on Tristan Da Cunha or, even worse, Bournemouth.

“If needed, we would most certainly arrest a person who has rubbed shoulders with power since he was a child and who has always managed to walk away from other criminal acts like conspiring to have a journalist beaten up.

“Please stop asking questions. We have families.”

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