Saturday 22 June 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Billy Joel found looking guilty with box of matches


Billy Joel matches

Pop star Billy Joel was found yesterday looking very guilty and in possession of a large box of matches.

For thirty years Mr Joel has claimed, on numerous occasions, that he didn’t start the fire, but it seems that authorities finally have some evidence, albeit circumstantial, to counter his claims.

“We didn’t start the fire,” exclaimed Mr Joel.

“It was always burning, since the world was turning.”

Scientists have rubbished Mr Joel’s claims, stating that a fire burning for that many years just isn’t plausible.

“For fire to keep burning, it needs a constant source of fuel,” explained Simon Williams, Professor of Chemistry and Eighties Pop Music.

“The world has been in existence and rotating for 4.5 billion years. For a fire to have been burning for that entire time, it would need trillions and trillions of tonnes of fuel.

“I’m sorry, but Billy’s claims simply don’t stack up.”

Perhaps realising that he was in a difficult situation, Mr Joel started listing a variety of well-known figures.

“Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray,” he exclaimed, possibly in an attempt to implicate them in the starting of the fire in order to distract from his own guilt.

Finally, he unconvincingly claimed that, rather than starting the fire, it was him who tried to extinguish it.

“We didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it,” he shouted, as he was led away by authorities.

The developments with Mr Joel could also lead to an explanation for the Kings of Leon as to exactly what happened to their sex.

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