Friday 21 June 2019

Tory minister leaps into action to bravely grab throat of woman threatening to use words he didn’t like


Mark Field assault

Tory minister Mark Field has lept to the defence of those sitting around him at a black-tie event by grabbing the throat of a woman in a red dinner dress who was threatening to say things he didn’t like.

Field, who was willing to tackle the unarmed young woman dressed for a party without a single thought for his own safety, has been held up as a shining example of the bravery often demonstrated by senior Tories.

Tory spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “Remember when that male comedian approached Theresa May at the Tory conference and no-one stopped him? This was just like that, only instead of sitting watching it happen, this time someone grabbed the perpetrator by the throat.

“If that doesn’t show you that we learn from our mistakes, nothing will. There is no other possible reason why we acted this time, but not then.”

Bouncers across the country have criticised Field’s technique, insisting he should have put her in a headlock.

“The reverse throat grab is the sign of an amateur,” explained one man who works Friday and Saturday night at the door of your local Ritzy nightclub.

“And everyone knows you have to keep your hands to yourself when the cameras are on you. It’s almost like this guy didn’t care that people could see him committing an assault on a woman. He couldn’t work here, definitely not – but I know a few clubs that would be happy to have him.”

Meanwhile, Mark Francois has insisted that had he been there, she would probably be dead now as his training in the territorial army has given him the instincts of a trained killer.

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