The Tory leadership battle is now down to it’s final two, where a twat will face a cunt to decide who gets to run the country into the fucking ground.
As Jeremy Hunt pipped Michael Gove into second place in a result that had absolutely nothing to do with Boris Johnson supporters voting tactically to shaft Gove, Johnson will now face Hunt in a month-long campaign for the votes of Tory party members.
Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “A Tory party leadership campaign is very different to a general election, mainly because the candidates only have to appeal to hardcore Tories – not the general voting public. They can literally be complete shits and the people who can actually vote in this contest will enthusiastically applaud it.
“Don’t be surprised to see talk of policies around hunting illegal immigrants on horesback, and burning poor people to reduce reliance on fossil fuels. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to see Boris go on to classify poor people as a ‘renewable’ fuel source.
“If you’re struggling to imagine how this contest will evolve from here, I would like you to close your eyes and picture a Tory reduced to its purest form. Now put that Tory in front of a crowd of card-carrying membership-fee-paying Tories, and have it face off against another Tory trying to convince the crowd it’s even more Tory than the original Tory.
“It will be like when there’s a Manchester derby and the entire country wants both sides to lose.
“But there will be a winner, and the nation’s next leader will be either a cunt or twat. Isn’t that just wonderful?”