Boris Johnson dodging public debates to avoid inadvertently fathering a child during one

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Boris Johnson, conspicuously absent during the head-to-head debate televised debate on Channel 4 last night, had been told to avoid it by his minders, concerned he might accidentally have an affair with someone on live television.

Boris minder Simon Williams told us, “We all agree it’s best Boris stay out of the way in case he accidentally impregnates someone else during a live television debate, maybe while snorting cocaine and fraudulently claiming expenses for it.

“I’m mean, I’m sure that won’t matter much to the Conservative members voting, they are all complete raving idiots after all, but it does raise some awkward questions and soaks up our time dealing with it, when we could be doing coke in a bar somewhere ourselves.

“It took me seven hours last week to write birthday cards to Boris’s children and sign his signature, when I should have been moving Boris’s cash out of the country before Brexit.”

Boris himself spoke of his plans for the nation once he is installed as the prime minister,

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He told a female reporter, “Haven’t I seen you before, your face looks familiar. Have we ever… anyway, I’m clearly the best man to lead the country.

“I will crack on with a nice no-deal Brexit political apocalypse, scrap all taxes for millionaires, and make it legal to hunt poor children.

“Wait, I’m currently the favourite? Christ.”