The leadership campaign for Boris Johnson, former Foreign Secretary and dreadful shit, is set to be launched today.
However, in a surprising twist, it will not actually be launched by Mr Johnson, but by a man disguised as Mr Johnson, in an effort to prevent the event being marred by racist comments or the condemnation of a British national to Iranian detention.
“The launch is a really important part of a campaign,” explained a member of Johnson’s team.
“It is important that everything goes smoothly and without a hitch.
“We did think about Boris doing his own launch but we couldn’t risk him accidentally saying something racist, or calling someone a c**t, or punching someone, or soiling himself, or starting a war, or pieing himself in the face, or standing on the end of a rake, or blacking up, or revealing his search history, or starting an affair, or declaring his lifelong devotion to Satan.
“To be frank, we couldn’t risk him doing anything as that would alert people to what he is really like, as that would be a complete catastrophe for his campaign.”
It is expected that Johnson will spend the next month campaigning from within a locked box in a remote house on an island of which no one knows the location.