Boris leadership campaign to be launched by man disguised as Boris in order to prevent gaffes

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The leadership campaign for Boris Johnson, former Foreign Secretary and dreadful shit, is set to be launched today.

However, in a surprising twist, it will not actually be launched by Mr Johnson, but by a man disguised as Mr Johnson, in an effort to prevent the event being marred by racist comments or the condemnation of a British national to Iranian detention.

“The launch is a really important part of a campaign,” explained a member of Johnson’s team.

“It is important that everything goes smoothly and without a hitch.

“We did think about Boris doing his own launch but we couldn’t risk him accidentally saying something racist, or calling someone a c**t, or punching someone, or soiling himself, or starting a war, or pieing himself in the face, or standing on the end of a rake, or blacking up, or revealing his search history, or starting an affair, or declaring his lifelong devotion to Satan.

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“To be frank, we couldn’t risk him doing anything as that would alert people to what he is really like, as that would be a complete catastrophe for his campaign.”

It is expected that Johnson will spend the next month campaigning from within a locked box in a remote house on an island of which no one knows the location.