Friday 7 June 2019 by Chris Ballard

Theresa May’s aides busy faking signatures to fill her leaving card


Theresa May leaving Do

It’s Theresa May’s last day as the leader of the Conservative Party and nobody wants to sign her leaving card.

Theresa May is officially stepping down as Tory leader today which means her aides have to forge heartfelt leaving card comments to make it look like she isn’t universally detested by her own MPs.

“What a fucking nightmare!” said Principal Private Secretary Simon Williams.

“As soon as she gave her resignation speech I ran out to Card Factory to buy a ‘we’ll miss you’ card. I thought two weeks would be plenty of time to gather loads of signatures but no bugger wants to know.

“I’ve lost count of the number of pens which have suddenly dried up or become lost in the presence of this card.

“Philip Hammond told me his pen was a special one which ‘was only for numbers’.

“Amber Rudd did agree to write something but I had to snatch the pen out of her hand as she was obviously starting to draw a classic graffiti cock and balls.

“I tried leaving the card in the House of Commons library in case people wanted to sign it privately; all that happened was that someone scribbled in the corner to test whether a pen was working. I suppose I could tell her that one is Boris’ signature.

“As for the gift collection, all we have so far is some fluff, two small buttons and a few pubes – and I think even those only found their way into the envelope by accident.”

At this point, Mrs May walked into the room wearing a plain white blouse.

“It’s my last day,” she said. “Let’s get everyone to sign my shirt!”

“Shiiiit,” said Simon.

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