Tory leadership candidates trying to come across ‘all blokey’ sees seven people die of embarrassment

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Seven people have died from sheer embarrassment, and a further 22 have been hospitalised, after a Tory leadership candidate got carried away in a conversation with normal people and decided to use the phrase ‘jog on, sunshine.’

Sir Simon Despenser-Williams, the MP for Hampshire East who has just declared he is vying for the top job, is reported to have used the sentence in a crowded marketplace while trying to drum up support.

According to survivors, the 17th Marquess of Whitchurch was talking with a group of plasterers on their lunch break when he was asked about how he would negotiate with Michel Barnier.

It’s believed that Sir Williams-Despenser then called one of group ‘mate’ before using the phrase along with a clumsy sideways motion with his left thumb. As recounts local teacher and eye witness Amanda Tinnock.

“I’d seen him before when he allowed the school kids to walk around his deer park. So I got closer and he was using the same weird voice my husband does when he’s talking with the mechanic. Like Stephen Fry auditioning for a part in a Guy Ritchie film.

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“But then he was asked a question about Brexit and it …..happened! After that, all I can remember is the screaming.”

Ms Tinnock attributes her lucky escape to her unique upbringing.

“My parents were hippies who opened a tantric sex healing centre so I’ve built up an immunity to embarrassment. But these poor bastards just out to the shops? They never stood a chance!

“You don’t think there’s more of them out there, do you?