Friday 31 May 2019 by Davywavy

Last person to use festival toilets clearly got something badly wrong with them


Festival toilet

The last person to use these bogs has got something badly wrong with their guts, we can exclusively reveal.

No normal human being could possibly have left a lavatory in a state like this, and it seems unlikely that anyone has managed to smuggle an elephant with gastroenteritis onto the site, so it can’t be that.

The toilets, which presumably have been clean at some point in their existence, are now in a state which implies whoever used them last must have an illness which is at very least life-threatening, if not worse.

“It’s something that seems to happen to people at festivals and similar public events,” said Simon Williams, Emeritus Professor of Conveniences at Kettering University without us even asking – which made us a bit uncomfortable, truth be told.

“People with perfectly healthy, functioning bowels and intestinal biomes suddenly become terrible, inhuman monsters who do things which defy belief.

“Basically it’s what happens when someone with a five-inch arsehole meets a two-inch pipe.”

Professor Williams went on to advise anyone considering using the toilets at a concert or festival to think about trying to hold it in for the full three to five days instead.

“It might not be enjoyable, but believe me it’s a damn sight better than what you’ll find waiting for you if you go”, he said.

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