Friday 31 May 2019 by Chris Ballard

Jacob Rees-Mogg book only sells 734 copies – one to each of his children


Jacob Rees-Mogg new book sells 700 copies

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s memoir ‘The Victorians’ has only sold a few hundred copies because he only has a few hundred children who felt obliged to buy it.

Jacob Rees-Mogg has written a book about who he believes were the most important characters of the Victorian era and almost nobody is buying it. Weird.

Critics are calling it ‘even shitter than that bollocks Boris wrote about Churchill.’

The book is ostensibly about the ‘titans who forged Britain’ and largely ignores unimportant types such as women, writers and artists.

“I don’t understand the low sales,” said Rees-Mogg. “It had extremely good reviews – ‘morally repugnant,’ ‘soul-destroying’ – it was the perfect distillation of my very being.

“I bet it’s because I included a chapter on Queen Victoria. I knew it was a mistake to suggest a woman had contributed something worthwhile to society. Damn that editor and their bloody politically correct interventions!”

Historian Simon Williams was unfortunate enough to read a review copy.

“Everyone mocks Rees-Mogg for being a product of the Victorian era himself. However, this book proves that he has all the gear and no idea.

“He’s like a man who jumps around his bedroom with nunchucks, reads karate magazines and watches kung-fu movies but who’s never thrown a punch in his life.

“Jacob says he’s nostalgic for the ‘moral certainty’ and ‘patriotism’ of the Victorian era, a period of tremendous social upheaval and overseas influences.

“This isn’t history, it’s a wank fantasy from a man who’s obviously terrified of the energy and multiculturalism of the modern world.”

The 734 copies sold to date were all purchased by Rees-Mogg’s many offspring.

“They’ve definitely all read it,” said Jacob. “They say things like ‘excellent book about the Victorians father, the part about Queen Victoria was superb’.

“They must have inherited their research skills from me.”

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