Friday 31 May 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Angry man from down the pub to run for Tory Leadership


Man in pub to run for Tory leader

An angry man from down the pub has announced his intention to run for leadership of the Tory Party.

The angry man, known locally as Dave, announced his plan after drinking seven pints of Stella on Bank Holiday Monday afternoon.

Simon Williams, a pub regular, was present when Dave made his announcement.

He explained, “Yeah, Dave had been going on all afternoon about how we didn’t need Europe when we won the Falklands off Argentina, or when we beat the Germans in the war, and we don’t need them now.

“Then he went off to the gents, and when he came back he was angrily wiping at a piss-stain on the front of his trousers and just went ‘Fuck it, I’m going to run for that Tory party leadership thing,’ and then burped and ran back into the toilet to be sick.’

“To be honest, it was a more far impressive announcement than the one Sajid Javid made.”

It is expected that the angry man from down the pub will campaign on a platform of the EU being ‘shit’ and there being ‘too much political correctness these days,’ which would seem to put him in direct competition with Boris Johnson, who is running on an identical policy platform.

He joins a sizable roster of candidates for the Tory party leadership that includes Wile E. Coyote, The Night King, the rotten corpse of Margaret Thatcher and, most horrifyingly of all, Dominic Raab.

Bookmakers have announced that he is currently third favourite to win.

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