The official NewsThump guide to the Tory leadership candidates

author avatar by 5 years ago

With eleven Tories having thrown their hats into the proverbial ring for a shot at leadership, here is NewsThump’s entirely unbiased and impartial breakdown of the candidates:

Environment Secretary Michael Gove – Considered too slimy and just plain weird to make any headway over the others. Has a regrettable fondness for jogging in tiny shorts.

Health Secretary Matt Hancock – Anyone with the word ‘cock’ in their surname is going to struggle to be taken seriously. No chance.

Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt – Everyone’s favourite Cockney rhyming slang but nobody’s favourite for PM. Has a tendency to forget that literally no members of the public want the NHS to be privatised. Also has a tendency to forget what nationality his wife is.

Home Secretary Sajid Javid – Wannabe tough man who tries but fails to live up to Theresa May’s remarkable level of cruelty.

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Former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson – Where on earth to start with this one. Racist, adulterous, lying, scheming twat. Will probably by Prime Minister by July.

Former Leader of the House Andrea Leadsom – Hoping to have another crack at leadership after cocking up her first attempt three years ago by saying that being a mother would make her a better PM than Theresa May. Will doubtless fail again.

Housing minister Kit Malthouse – Yeah, we have no idea either.

Former Work and Pensions Secretary Esther McVey – Someone who believes the rollout of Universal Credit has been a good thing, despite all the suicides and deaths that have resulted from it.

Former Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab – arguably both the best looking and most incompetent candidate. Didn’t know about the existence of the English Channel or the port of Dover until last year.

International Development Secretary Rory Stewart – the odd one out, as he appears to have both a heart for humanity and genuine integrity, which are two attributes most Tories find repulsive. Pity.

Brexit Minister James Cleverly – Go to Wikipedia and look up ‘Inaptronym’. That.