Boris Johnson to appear in court to explain how he keeps managing to shag women

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Boris Johnson has been ordered to explain his sexual behaviour – namely, how he has any.

The enormous unmade bed of a man has enjoyed enormous success with the opposite sex – some with his wife, some with other wives, and some with regular women.

“There must be something odd going on,” mused journalist, Simon Williams, who is equally unattractive but hasn’t had a date in nine years.

“A lot of these women are attractive, intelligent, or sometimes even BOTH, which I didn’t know was a thing.

“How is he doing it? It must be illegal, somehow. I don’t know any women whose fantasy is a cross between the Milky Bar Kid and a St. Bernard – mind you, I don’t know any women at all.”

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Boris Johnson commented “RUFF-RAHH!

“Oh listen here, old bean. Women love a bastard, and I’m the biggest bastard there is. No wonder they’re hanging off me like immigrants off a lorry.

“By the way, that’s the kind of risque humour that posh tarts pretend to be offended by but secretly enjoy. You can have that one for free, my good man.”