Theresa May has dusted off her CV in order to update it for her new job search, only to realise the section on Achievements requires no updating whatsoever.
A baffled May asked her advisors for help, after failing to understand how someone can have a job for three years and achieve absolutely nothing.
“There must be something, anything, that I can add in here to explain the last couple of years?” the prime minister asked those gathered at the emergency CV meeting.
“What about redecorating the Downing Street residence? You sort of did that?” offered one aide. “Well, you gave someone the instruction to do it. Or we could just pad out the second-page section on Hobbies and Interests with a bit more about walks in the countryside? Maybe mention a few places you like to visit?”
“Maybe you should just write ‘Achievements mean achievements’?” added another, helpfully.
One unhelpful member of her group suggested that instead of turd polishing, she could add under Skills “Turd Rubbing – which doesn’t make the turd any more palatable, but does smear it into everything you touch.”
May herself was forced into a brief moment of quiet reflection when unable to name any significant achievements during nearly three years as Prime Minister. But it was very brief indeed.
She went on, “Maybe I put something about setting the world record for attending the most meetings without actually achieving anything? That’s an achievement, right?
“Christ, at this rate I might not even get a book deal.”