Friday 24 May 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Mark Francois to spend Bank Holiday masturbating to The Great Escape


Mark Francois spends weekend masturbating to Great Escape

Legitimate military man and Tory MP Mark Francois has revealed that he intends to spend the Bank Holiday masturbating to classic war film The Great Escape.

“As a patriot of our great country,” explained a tumescent Francois, “It is my duty to spend long weekends wanking to stories about our heroic efforts to single-handedly win World War II against Europe.

“This time, I have decided that I will be using The Great Escape – a classic film about how British troops do their best to escape from a German prisoner of war camp which they only found themselves in because the Germans cheated at war.”

Mr Francois explained how the famously long film’s running time was a boon for his plans.

He went on, “Well, yes, it is a long film so I suspect I’ll be able to get at least three wanks in, which is marvellous because last Bank Holiday I only had Sink The Bismark which, at 90 minutes, is barely a two-wank film.”

Mr Francois also confirmed that he will be wearing his territorial army uniform for the patriotic bout of onanism, before working his way down to his pants and vest as the weekend progresses.

“Absolutely, I will. It’s important to show respect in these matters, so I’ve had Mum wash and iron my kit and I’ll polish the boots myself. The pants were clean on this morning.”

Mr Francois will be available to take calls while he masturbates in full military attire to The Great Escape, but has warned that if he shouts ‘incoming’ at any moment, he may need to hang up and call back.

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