Thursday 23 May 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Nation left shocked as “heavy-hearted” Andrea Leadsom implies she has a heart


Andrew Leadsom claims to have a heart

Andrea Leadsom has sent shockwaves through the political world by implying she has a human heart – and she’s also resigned, which was another thing that happened.

The former leader of the house/the living embodiment of every least-favourite teacher everybody ever had said that it was “with a heavy heart” that she would resign from the government.

“Hang on, what?” sputtered journalist, Simon Williams.

“She was powered by a heart? Like the ones my children have beating in their innocent chests? Bloody hell.

“I always assumed she was driven forward by the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, or maybe a hand-operated pump run by a little demon living inside her ribcage.

“Next you’ll be telling be Jacob Rees-Mogg has a soul, or Boris Johnson has a brain, or that Jeremy Corbyn still gives a shit.

“I think we’re going to need a second opinion.”

Doctor Henry Bruhaha commented, “I have been Andrea Leadsom’s physician for the last twenty years. I’ve seen some shit- sometimes literally.

“The last time I X-rayed her chest, there was no trace of a heart, just a portrait of a naked William Hague.”

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