Tuesday 21 May 2019 by Chris Ballard

Chris Grayling throws milkshake at himself – and misses


Chris Grayling throws milkshake at himself and misses

Inspired by the recent spate of milkshake attacks Chris Grayling finally decided to lash out at his own incompetence. But he totally cocked it up.

At some level, deep down, Chris Grayling was always aware of his own idiocy. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

After seeing images of Nigel Farage covered in milkshake he had a brainwave – he could express his self-hatred through the medium of sugary lactose-based projectiles.

“Right then,” he said to himself. “Enough is enough. I’m going to show myself exactly what I think of me.”

He marched into the nearest McDonald’s and ordered a chocolate milkshake. A shop assistant patiently explained that he was in Halfords and that McDonald’s was next door.

He marched into McDonald’s and ordered a chocolate milkshake. The cashier – who was dressed as a clown and appeared to be made of plastic – ignored him.

Growing frustrated, Grayling wandered about until by chance he found his way to a touch-screen kiosk. He bent down to speak into the chip and pin device.

“I’d like a large chocolate milkshake please!” he said. At this point, the manager, suspecting a security threat, intervened.

Grayling finally got his milkshake.

He stood in the middle of the restaurant, the drink clutched tightly in his hand. This was it. This was the moment he would make everything right.

“Take this you witless bastard!” he cried and flung the beverage right at himself. It flew over his head and landed on a boy who was in McDonald’s celebrating his 5th birthday.

The father was not impressed. “’Ere, what the hell do you… you’re that bloody Chris Grayling!”

As one, all the mums and dads at the party turned to face the simpleton who’d just thrown a milkshake at a small child. They immediately rushed to the counter to order their own shakes.

Grayling fled the scene of his incompetence before he got soaked in hatred.

A metaphor for his entire career.

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