Missouri makes menstruation a crime after learning ovum could have been a child

author avatar by 5 years ago

As part of a growing trend in the southern US states to curtail the reproductive rights of women, the state of Missouri has criminalized having a period, after discovering that it was the discharge of a viable ovum.

The new law is believed to be the result of a desire to one-up Alabama and a passing tourist inadvertently informing Missouri senators of the mechanisms of the menstrual cycle.

Buford Williams, leader of Missouri’s Republicans and the key driver of the new law, explained that finding out about basic human biology left him no choice but to make monthly vaginal bleeding a crime.

He explained, “We had to act. Women are murdering a potential child every month for no better reason than it’s the way their body works.

“I was ignorant of the monthlies because I thought it was just God punishing women for giving me lustful thoughts. But now that I know the discharge could have become a beautiful child, had the woman made love with her husband or been raped, how can I not act?”

The new law states anyone caught menstruating can be jailed for 5 years or fined $2000, a small fortune in Missouri.

It is unclear how Missourian Republicans found out about menses but many believe a passing female tourist saw a senator staring for ages at the tampons in a convenience store, assumed he was a child-like simpleton, and calmly explained what they were for.

The ban has prompted a national outcry and has prompted many women’s groups to call for a boycott of Missouri along with Alabama. More radical activists are even threatening to retaliate by telling Missourians that Jesus was Jewish.