Shock as Theresa May fails to negotiate a deal with someone

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As cross-party Brexit talks between the Conservatives and Labour close without an agreement, the country is left stunned at how this could happen to a woman with such a gift for negotiation.

Brexit talks between the Tories and Labour are to end in a no-deal scenario and nobody saw this coming.

“I mean, what on Earth went wrong?” muttered visibly shaken political analyst Simon Williams.

“The Prime Minister is almost supernaturally good at negotiation. People probably don’t realise the impact her powers of persuasion have had on British geopolitical history.

“She met Hitler for peace talks in 1939.

“She knew the Falklands war would be a terrible waste of life and went to Downing Street to persuade Thatcher.

“She actually has precedent in cross-party talks – she was instrumental in convincing Blair that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction.

“Even at home, she plays her husband like a violin. Just last month she wanted to go on a round-the-world cruise while he wanted to go on a walking holiday to Wales. We all know the result of that one.

“Why has she failed now?”

Mrs May explained herself in a Downing Street press conference.

“Corbyn is a bloody difficult man,” she said.

“He wanted the UK to remain in a customs union with the EU, I offered him a pair of 3D glasses and a pencil sharpener. Nothing.

“He wanted access to the single market, I offered him a pair of those extra grippy socks you use to go trampolining. Nothing.

“There’s just no negotiating with some people.”