Theresa May to test Brexit on animals

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With Brexit delayed and no cross-party consensus in sight, our increasingly desperate Prime Minister has had one of her brilliant ideas – test out her deal on animals first.

There are already concerns that Brexit won’t be great news for the animals currently protected from unnecessary harm by EU regulations.

Now Theresa May – who loves animals so much she’s all for tearing foxes apart with dogs – has decided to try out her shitty Brexit deal on poor, innocent wildlife.

“It’s the perfect solution!” she said.

“If the animals don’t suffer mass unemployment or lose lucrative trade deals with French species then the deal obviously works and Parliament can vote it through.”

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However, animal welfare campaigners have grave concerns.

“Subjecting animals to Brexit is blatant cruelty of the highest order,” said activist Simon Williams.

“Will out-of-work dogs be consoled by the fact that they now have blue passports? Will bored cats become fat and depressed as all the rats abandon the sinking ship? Are thousands of migratory birds going to be told to sling their hook? The whole idea is just sick.”

The animals themselves have mixed feelings.

“I think Brexit might actually be quite good for canine employment prospects,” said one dog.

“There’ll probably be more sniffer dog opportunities as people turn to criminal activity to make ends meet. And more assistance dogs will be required as the NHS goes completely tits up.

“So it’s not all bad – if, that is, our owners don’t get so hungry they eat us. Which admittedly is quite a big if…”