Tuesday 7 May 2019 by France Ward

Woman ecstatic that couple she doesn’t know had a baby she’ll never meet


woman celebrating royal baby

A woman was seen walking around yesterday like a one-woman street carnival in response to the news that a couple she doesn’t know, just had a new baby that they will definitely not want her to be anywhere near, ever.

48-year-old Fiona Williams was inexplicably interviewed by a reporter outside the Portland Hospital, London, in a massive Union Jack hat, naturally, and a state of hysteria that would ordinarily meet the criteria for being sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

After briefly gathering herself she announced, “I’m pleased to confirm that baby and mum are doing really well, because that’s literally what that spokesperson told everyone while making it abundantly clear that I shouldn’t get any closer to the front door. I’m just absolutely delighted. It is definitely the happiest day of my life so far.

“Some people might think it’s strange, but I felt it was important for me to be here for them at this special time. I’ve already sent them a letter using cut out letters from ‘Hello’ magazine telling them that they are all I think about and I will never leave them. Ever.

“My only sadness is that Diana wasn’t here to see it.”

Fiona then reached inside a large William and Kate cloth bag and removed a small princess Dianna doll before humming ‘candle in the wind’ with her eyes closed.

Fiona was last seen abseiling down the walls of the hospital with a hand-knitted teddy bear clenched firmly between her teeth.

Best friend, Debra jokingly added, “Ah, classic Fiona.”

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