Thursday 2 May 2019 by Arabin Patson

Substituting raisins for chocolate chips should be criminalised, insist nation’s children


children unhappy at raisins being swapped for chocolate chips

In the wake of the school climate change strikes and the growing engagement of youth with politics, UK children agree that it should be a criminal offence to present biscuits that look like they have delicious little nodes of chocolate in them but are, in fact, full of wrinkly desiccated grapes.

Several petitions have been launched, with the most popular one demanding strong fines levied on any parents who have tried this evil subterfuge and jail terms for recidivists who claim “it’s just as good, try it!”.

Jake Williams, a six-year-old Rastamouse fan from Torquay, was one of many who claimed the move was vital to build an honest relationship between adults and children.

He told us, “We had just got over the whole Father Christmas existing episode. That was a weird lie but at least I could see they meant well. But making some cookies that look tempting but when you eat them feel like a sawdust and goat shit patty? If you want to make me eat fruit then grow a pair and tell me to eat an apple!”

Young Jake also maintained that the imposition of healthy snacks smacked of double standards.

“When Mum and her friends get together to watch that film about someone called Mike and his magical powers, they don’t pass around muesli or cereal bars. It’s giant bags of Maltesers and tubs of Ben and Jerry’s Phish food.

“Although, to be fair, they do drink a lot of that horrible grape juice in glass bottles that smells funny and makes them shout at Dad. Still, they won’t eat it so why should I?

“Oh, and carrot cake go fuck itself and all.”

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