Shrimp in Britain’s rivers are ripped off their tits pretty much 24/7, we can reveal.
Scientists have discovered that British shrimp are solidly up to their eyeballs in Coke and Ket and having it large when you’re at work – and they’re not even sharing any, the shellfish bastards.
Researchers went on to speculate that shrimp have those black, beady eyes because they’ve got fucking massive pupils from all the speed they’re taking.
“Not having nostrils doesn’t stop your average shrimp from doing eight or ten lines every day,” said Professor Simon Williams at the Department of Crustacean Pharmacology at Kettering University.
“In fact, your average shrimp is almost twenty per cent cocaine by body weight – if a human took drugs in the volumes they do they’d end up looking like Keith Richards. Just like Keith Richards did, in fact.
“And when you see them in the aquariums they’re always waving their feelers about because they’re at a non-stop subaquatic rave. They have to live underwater because they’d just dehydrate pretty much instantly on land, the cheeky bastards.
“Certainly taking all these drugs might go some way to explaining why their brains are full of poo,” he added.