Thursday 2 May 2019 by Neil Tollfree

New Defence Secretary has big tits, confirms The Sun


Penny Mordaunt new defence secretary

NewsThump today joins The Sun in celebrating the appointment of a Defence Secretary with big tits.

The new appointee is Penny Mordaunt and, as the Sun’s picture of her in her swimsuit illustrates, she has big tits.

It is the first time in British history that someone with big tits has been appointed to the post and will be a cause for celebration for fans of big tits across the country.

The previous incumbent, Gavin Williamson, was sacked from the post for being so incompetent that he got caught leaking information, something anyone competent would have been able to easily conceal.

Mr Williamson was made Defence Secretary in 2017 and his appointment was criticised at the time, when many felt that Ms Mordaunt should have got the job.

“Look, Gavin Williamson should never have got the job ahead of Penny, his tits are rubbish,” said a political ‘journalist’ at the Sun.

“They’re quite small, they have a bit of downy hair around the nipples and they are really quite unpleasant to look at while eating your cornflakes.

“Penny Mordaunt has always been the obvious choice for the role because she has big tits, and it is definitely the size of someone’s tits that we should be focusing on when considering who should be responsible for the country’s armed forces.”

Following this morning’s reporting on Ms Mordaunt’s appointment, it is expected that, yet again, someone will have to patiently explain to The Sun that it doesn’t exist solely in the Carry On universe.

That person is unlikely to be successful.

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