Wednesday 1 May 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Utter Shambles: Government in chaos as Theresa May continues trying to do things


Theresa May fucks everything up

The government was, once again, engulfed in utter chaos this morning as Theresa May attempted to do absolutely anything.

The problems began as Mrs May got out of bed this morning, spilling her bedside glass of water. She immediately fired a top minister, then reinstated the minister, then claimed she hadn’t fired anyone and had, actually, never heard of the minister, and then finally, after a brief period of government instability, cleaned up the water herself.

Things went from bad to worse as she made moves to take a shower, only to discover that she was nearly out of that shampoo she likes.

She immediately rushed to Brussels for top-level talks with Jean Claude Juncker, ceding Essex to Europe as a goodwill gesture and agreeing to all future trade discussions being conducted in French in exchange for having monster munch on the table while discussions take place.

She picked up the shampoo she liked from Boots on the way home.

There is speculation that this week’s Brexit Minister Stephen Barclay is considering resignation over ‘shanpoo-gate’

Still reeling from the chaos she’d caused from being awake just a few short minutes, she went downstairs to find that husband Phillip had got the toy from the box of Frosties.

Swinging into action, Mrs May imposed a punitive tax on everyone claiming a state pension and demanded that anyone who has ever been abroad register at their local police station, causing a bitter cabinet split along civil freedom ideologies.

After a tense stand-off, Phillip gave Mrs May the toy because he was ‘bored of playing with it’ and government business was able to continue.

It is expected that the chaos will continue as the Prime Minister plans to watch Homes Under the Hammer a bit later, which many experts fear could cause Scotland to fall into the sea.

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