Friday 26 April 2019

Ungrateful toddler refusing to accept generous offer of weekend lie-in


Toddler won't accept lie-in

Two-year-old Jake Williams is steadfastly refusing to accept his parent’s generous offer of a lie-in tomorrow, instead insisting he would like to get up at 6:30 am like usual.

Jake’s parents Simon and Sharon offered the lie-in, in consideration of the long week he’s had at nursery, and thought maybe he’d like to just lie in bed a few extra hours at the weekend.

Simon told us, “I think you could technically describe his response as a ‘dirty protest’.

“He’s just so ungrateful. I mean, who doesn’t like a lie-in at the weekend? I know people that start looking forward to it on a Tuesday. But Jake snubbed the offer insisting he’d rather sit and watch Cbeebies in the lounge than be in bed enjoying a few more glorious hours of sleep. It’s just not normal.

“Is it possible to know if your child is a psychopath at two years of age?”

Child experts have insisted that toddlers are simply ungrateful and you are better off not offering them anything.

Child psychologist Deidre Matthews told us, “Children prey on weakness, so when you say things like ‘Would you like a lie-in? A lie-in sounds nice, doesn’t it? Shall we all have a lie-in tomorrow?’ – what they actually hear is ‘I can do whatever the fuck I like because I clearly fucking rule this place’.

“Most of them would stab you in the eye for a biscuit. You can’t negotiate with that, so why even bother trying?”

“If what you really want is a child that has a lie-in at the weekend, send them away to boarding school until they’re a teenager.”

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