Wednesday 24 April 2019 by Neil Tollfree

2078: As global warming destroys planet, people just glad Londoners of the past could get home in time for the One Show


Armageddon climate change

After a decade that saw vast swathes of equatorial land become too hot to sustain population, that saw the loss of 50% of Europe’s land mass to flooding, and that saw conclusive proof that climate change would destroy the planet within a generation, the overriding emotion of the remaining population of Britain was one of relief that Londoners of 2019 were able to get home in time for the One Show.

In 2019, the Extinction Rebellion protests briefly flourished in London before being banned because, whilst people sympathised with ‘that whole green thing’, they wanted to get home in time to have tea whilst watching the One Show and the protests were ‘a pain, really.’

The One Show was an early evening television programme that saw attractive but dull people interview other attractive but dull people about how brilliant their lives were.

“I suppose that, given the choice, I would rather the earth wasn’t going to become uninhabitable in the next generation causing the untimely deaths of my children and eradication of all life as we know it,” said suncream mogul Simon Williams.

“But, like most people, I’m just grateful that, back in 2019, Londoners were able to get home in time to see Alex Jones chat to Boyzone about their nineteenth retirement tour, rather than face a bit of inconvenience and force the government to engage with climate change.

“I mean, you’ve got to get your priorities right.”

It is thought that President Boris’s complete ban on climate protests in 2020 saw a glorious thirty-year period of people getting home in time to have their tea whilst watching the One Show before a mass-flooding event saw Kent, Essex and London lost to the ocean.

But it was definitely worth it while it lasted.

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