Thursday 18 April 2019

William Barr publishes summary of Harry Potter series claiming Voldemort was “completely exonerated”


WIlliam Barr exonerates Voldemort

US Attorney General William Barr has used his unique ability to summarise large volumes of text into easily digestible soundbites, by insisting the seven-volume Harry Potter saga completely exonerates Lord Voldemort.

After summarising the 400-hundred page Mueller report into a short press conference insisting President Trump hasn’t done anything wrong, Barr moved on to the classic publications from JK Rowling.

He told the gathered reporters, “When we look at all seven books in their entirety, we can conclude that Voldemort grew frustrated at the progress of many of the projects he instigated, but that ultimately no laws were broken.

“Those unfamiliar with how these things work will no doubt point to evidence of things like killing people as examples of wrong-doing, but the evidence is weak at best.  All we have in most cases is the eye-witness account of impressionable children.

“This is not evidence beyond a reasonable doubt, and as such we must remember that Voldemort is innocent unless proven guilty, and I don’t believe any charges have even been filed.”

Fans of the series have questioned Barr’s reading comprehension.

Harry Potter fan Simon Williams told the same reporters, “I’m shocked. I don’t see how you can read the words on those hundreds of pages and conclude he did nothing wrong. It’s all there, the plotting, the control over those who were scared of him, the way he manipulated people to do his evil bidding – and his interpretation of the Harry Potter books is even worse.”

It is expected that nothing will happen to either Donald Trump or Voldemort, because that’s how the world works now.

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