Criminalisation of upskirting means Daily Mail unable to print any more photos of female celebrities

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New upskirting laws mean the Daily Mail may no longer be allowed to print carefully-angled paparazzi photographs of B-list female celebrities getting out of their car, lawyers have warned.

The Sidebar of Shame, which attracts huge audiences with shots of women accidentally displaying a bit of thigh or knicker, may be prohibited by new legislation – meaning the paper could face almost immediate bankruptcy due to having no content.

“We’re very concerned about this new legislation which we fear will have a chilling effect on Freedom of Speech,” said Mail editor Simon Williams.

“Clearly it’s vitally in the public interest that people should know what colour pants Geri Halliwell is wearing, and whether minor members of the Royal Family have something a bit saucy on when they stagger out of a Chelsea nightclub and fall over at 3am.

“Without our incisive, long-lens journalism we might actually have to do some research and maybe learn things to write about, rather than just speculating what is covering Robbie William’s wife’s arse today.

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“God help us.”