Thursday 11 April 2019 by Arabin Patson

Mark Francois named European of the Year for uniting entire continent in agreeing he’s a twat


Mark Francois European of the Year

The bombastic MP from Rayleigh was given the coveted accolade by Brussels for creating a rare feeling of pan-European unity, with every adult in EU countries warm-heartedly agreeing he was an insufferable bellend.

The EU’s commissioner for Cultural Harmony, Sigmund Wilhelms, explained that the award was only given to people who could overcome cultural barriers and identify the common bonds that unite all Europeans, such as disliking jingoistic buffoons who look like a badly infected thumb.

He continued, “Although European diversity is to be treasured, it is often too easy to focus on the things that make us different and overlook what we all have in common.

“When Mr Francois read that tedious poem and made childish threats in front of an audience of senile racists, every political leader in Europe, whether right or left, felt the same bewilderment that he was ever elected.”

Mr Wilhelms assured the press that the award was not a covert dig at the UK.

“Far from it. Mr Francois has done your country a great service. Along with our utter revulsion at his wobbly jowls spouting childish insults, we all felt deep pity for the UK. A lot of the resentment has vanished and been replaced by sadness that you now live in a world where he is considered a figure worth listening to.”

The award will be the first time Mr Francois has received one since his days as a Territorial Army officer where he earned a medal for showing up six weekends in a row and having really clean boots.

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